genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
