Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
