What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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