it's too hot outside to masturbate.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
