I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
