The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Randomize
