just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
