I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
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