you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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