I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
