News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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