im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
