Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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