ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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