She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
