I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
