i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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