I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
