Soap is not a condiment
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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