Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
