I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
