I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
