I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
