forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
