I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Randomize
