There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I am midnight drunk by noon
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
