The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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