New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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