i need an iv and a liver transplant
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
