You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
