I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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