my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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