just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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