The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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