How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
