My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
