Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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