That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Randomize
