Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
