Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
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