sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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