so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
