you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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