STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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