Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
