OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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