he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
