I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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