College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
