im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
